Umm I'm too high to move.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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