I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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