You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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