as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize