I cannot find my penis.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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