I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
