I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
