he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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