if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
