Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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