Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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