I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
