I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
