You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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