1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
