Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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