I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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