Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
