I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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