It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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