Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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