i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
