Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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