I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
