She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
