pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
