Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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