When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
