Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
