You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
