i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
