I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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