you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
