"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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