and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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