got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
