i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
