just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
