I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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