It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
