You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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