Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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