Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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