i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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