So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
