ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
