The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
