Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
