I wish my penis had an off switch
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
