If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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