Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
