you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
