2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize