But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
