my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
